Top ten things I hate about Stockholm, IX

September 29, 2004

The ninth in an occasional series.

Ten: Predatory seating
Nine: Culinary relativism
Eight: Preëmptive planning
Seven: Premature mastication
Six: Irrational discalceation
Five: Radiotjänst i Kiruna AB
Four: Temporal engineering
Three: Tunnelbana visionTwo: Simölacra

I've learned a few lessons in life I'd like to pass on.

Don't drink British wine. Don't drink Italian beer. Don't drink cosmopolitans in dive bars, don't drink Rolling Rock in diva bars. Do as the locals.

Don't drink decaffeinated coffee. Don't drink de-alcoholized beer. Don't eat vegetarian food made to look like meat. Seek out authentic things.

But what to do if these two prescriptions for life clash? What if the locals seek out simulacra? I am referring, of course, to that sad abomination of an acoholic beverage, lätt öl [Swedish], a Swedish class of barely beers, "light" on taste, alcohol and point, a straight-to-bladder production that not even the state alcohol dispensing monopoly, Systembolaget, could be bothered regulating.

And yet Swedes don't get the hint about what that implies. Every day, at luncheon places all over Sweden, hundreds of thousands will optimistically ask once again for lätt öl by name, just in case that, over night, it might suddenly have developed into something substantive.

It's hard to describe the lack of taste it has. You know how sometimes, when you buy a coke from a concession stand and the dispenser has almost run out of syrup, you get to drink something with a hint of coke that is actually far worse than just water? Lätt öl is the beer equivalent.

To be honest, I don't understand why Swedish beer is drunk at all. Sweden has worldbeating vodkas and aquavits and wonderful traditions involving punsch and mulled wine. Swedish beer, on the other hand, is atrocious.

Yes it is, and you know it — there is a reason why you don't export it. I'm not necessarily saying only Belgians can make good beer — the Germans produce competent brews, even if their restrictive Reinheitsgebot guarantees they're boring; the Americans have some excellent microbreweries; give them a few more generations as they chisel away at the rough edges, and they will have something that approaches the complexity of the palate of an Orval. But as for Swedish beer, there is no hope, and the whole enterprise should just be put out of its misery.

At least lätt öl consumption has fallen by half over the past ten years, for which we have the EU to thank. Price-sensitive consumers have been getting more booze for their buck by nipping over the border and carting home something realI've described the role alcohol plays in Sweden's social life before.. This upgrading of Swedish drinking habits is encouraging, but Swedish alcohol consumption still ranks below the EU mean — so if Swedes want to bolster their until-now entirely undeserved international reputation as a drinking nation, there is still much work to be done.

I suggest refocusing on core Nordic competencies — bring back Viking meadAnd if you hire Absolut's marketing geniuses you'll have another runaway export success on your hands.. Read up on Norse drinking culture, convert Spendrups's breweries into meaderies, then start enjoying an alcoholic heritage that is both local and authentic.

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